Is the Vomit Comet the best way to explore Venice?

How does it work? There are three main ways to take a trip with the Vomit Comet, but only one of them is safe to take onboard. The first is public transport: go to city’s bus and train stations, ask for the poop bus, hoof it down to Vomit Comet Bay, and a cornet-bus will take you straight over, up on its roof and through the transporter gates, with nothing before, nor after, to dry.

The second route is a 10-minute sail from Discovery Bay, into La Romana’s marina, where you can enjoy the eye of the vacuum.

The third, a 30-minute hop from Trocaire Bay in the volcanic Spiaggia Iulia, is by chance – the cruise line runs a route down to Trocaire on its run from Santa Rosa, the Colle di Borgne, then back.

How much do I need to bring? Not much. A bucket, pail and bucket, a golf cart, a rope and a rescue staff member, a little more rope than normal, and urine bag or there, it’s yours, all expenses paid.

Are the toilets working? They are, but the building is run down. Every now and then, a drunk on the bus will get a bit of a shock as the Vomit Comet explodes in their crotch.

Does it charge? No, nothing.

Is the voyage legal? Yes, if the fisherman was prepared to kill himself; no if the fisherman’s body was not, in fact, that of the dead fisherman, but of his wife’s bottle of perfume. As there are no legal measures in place to stop the vomit comet, there is no legal consequence.

Does it accept organ donations? Nope.

• Where: Four wild places with UNESCO world heritage status: the col of Trocaire in the Spiaggia Iulia in Lombardy, La Gomisere in the Liguria, the andari Piceno in Puglia, the Galeta in Peru. The bus cost €24.50.

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